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Archive for April, 2012

I once wondered why God doesn’t speak audibly to me. Why I can’t see his face with my own eyes. That was before he spoke to my soul in a way words never could. That was before he became so clear to me that I wondered how I ever missed him.

But I do miss him, so much every single day that I ache. I ache in every way. It’s as if Eden was my own experience, and I don’t know why it had to end. It was all so sudden, and I’m always trying to get back to the way it was, but my efforts are never enough.

I’m trying to get back to walking naked and unashamed with him in our secret garden of love. I miss how we spoke without words. I miss how he held my hand. I miss how his eyes made me feel beautiful, how he knew me, how I never felt lonely. I miss hearing him say my name like it was a song in his heart.

I thought it would always last. But he was gone in a flash. That’s when I realized tears could contain sorrow, not just joy. A moment before his last breath he said I’d see him again. He said to never forget who he was, and who I’d become. He made me promise when all seemed lost, to remember him. To live on. And now that all seems lost, I do remember him, but not well enough.

I mistook him for another man and I was left broken. I blamed him, but he just hadn’t come back for me yet. I thought he’d be in a dream come true, but the dream came and the truth is, he didn’t. I look for him around every corner, desperate to see him once more. But I’m only more disappointed than before.

What’s so hard about this love is that it has ruined me for anything less, yet it escapes my experience. Like raindrops I cannot collect. It almost seems easier to deny it exists, than to chase the wind, but then life looses its meaning. No other love can fill the eternal hole in my soul. I break every day that I can’t see his face. All I can do is believe he’ll keep his promise.

He will come back for me. As sure as he put his life on the line for mine, I will see him again. It is only a matter of time. It could be a day, or fifty years. It could mean one, or a thousand tears. Till then I will live to catch the rain and chase the wind. I will be a fool for love because every chance I get to see him is worth it. Though dim, every glimpse is glorious.

There are times I close my eyes to see him smile. I wrap my arms around my self to feel him in my chest. With my hand on my heart, I can feel his beating deep inside of me. As I live on, he lives on in me. As I love you, he’s there, loving through.

But I wait for the day when I’ll open my eyes and see him face to face. I will run into his open arm, close enough to feel his heart. I will live on, knowing I may never walk with him through the trees of Eden, but I will run to him through the open gates of Heaven. And all will be well with my soul again.

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In my living, laughing, crying, thinking, waiting, breathing, praying… let me not forget the cross. You suffered for me while I went free. You endured torture, shame, mockery. You have proved your love for me.

I have had my reasons to doubt you. I have questioned your love, your intentions. I have wondered why a thousand times and bitter tears have I cried. But when I gaze upon the cross of mine without the dread, with relief instead, what words do I have left? Your blood leaves me speechless.

I have bled, but not like you. I’ve been broken, but not altogether, and always for the better. I have deserved it, but you never did. Yet my tears stained your face. My guilt became yours, as your innocence became mine. And on a terribly good Friday, my first breath meant your last.

You could have died by the sword, or even comfortably in your sleep. But you chose to go through hell that I might go to heaven. And at the cross I find my sin to be worse than I could fathom, but my Savior to be better than I could imagine.

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